harrumph! still crazy

friday, october 12

So, it being Friday and all, I thought that we would embrace the stupid. The stupid? Well, everyone has a little stupid inside. Something stupid you've thought, something stupid you've said, or something stupid you've done. Stupid lives inside of us, burrowing into our very soul, putting up two-by-fours and decorating with tips from Martha Stewart.

I'm not talking serious stuff, I'm talking stupid stuff.

Today is your opportunity to get something stupid off your chest. That's stupid... not hateful, political, vengeful, etc. We're talking downright silly and stupid. No names, no recriminations.

It's my gift to you for the weekend.

Why don't I go first? Is it so very wrong to have thought that Adam Sandler was a member of the Beastie Boys? It sends Derek into fits of giggles whenever the subject is raised. I want it expunged from my record! Out, out, damn stupid!

The stupid stuff you shared

after seeing a band in concert I gave my cd with the plastic wrap still on to be signed. oops.

I believe every stupid lie my friends tell me. I'm so guillable!

I asked what was in the secret sauce. *shakes head*

During the 80's I was certain that Nicarauga was in upstate New York. Cheektowaga, Tonowanda, Nicarauga, etc.

I'm okay now though.

When I was a little kid, I couldn't sleep the night before Easter as I was excited about the Easter bunny leaving me candy. My mom caught me peeking around the corner when I was supposed to be in bed asleep. She told me that if the Easter bunny saw me out of bed I wouldn't get an Easter basket. I ran back into bed and laid there too excited to sleep. Hours later I needed to go to the bathroom but was so afraid of being seen by the Easter bunny I wet the bed. Doh!

Most people start the washing machine with detergent and let it run for a few seconds to generate the soapy water, then ad the clothes. All too often, I forget to add the lothes and let a whole cycle go, empty.

oh yeah, i forgot! at 13- was at the pool with two of my friends, and i jumped into the shallow water, banging my head against the floor of the pool. i couldn't move my neck for a week.

I just put my popcorn on defrost.

I've gone completely nuts for a woman who may not even be interested in me.

Stupid...yet strangely logical!

When I was 6 or 7, we were a bunch of people sitting, my sisters and friends of ours. There was a wooden desk in front of me. I got up nonchalantly trying to look cool in front of my sister's "older" friends (11 years old), slipped forward with my lips straight into the desk and cut my lip open. I have a wee scar there.

Also! At the same age- To my house, I was driving on my bikes downwards, when a woman with a babytrailer went towards me. The road was pretty small, so instead of moving sideways into the grass and falling softly, I did a strong brake, flew forward, opened up most of my left knee. Have a scar for that, too.

I set a baked potatoe on fire once...in the microwave on accident cause I overcooked it

I always get Dylan McDermott and Dermot Mulroney confused. I end up saying either Dylan McMillan or Dermot McMermot

ok mine is a prime example of trying to be " cool".

Reading the popbitch newsletter this week I was drawn to a story about Rupertt Everett Having a front toupee - now I think this is hilarious but I also thought they meant he has a "front" bum toupee ie a merkin ie pubic hair wig ( why I thought that is anybodies guess?)so I email them with the correct term for it . I got a mail back saying that he has a front toupee - no pubic hair involved whats so ever.

To make it worse when i posted the story on my blog I typed public instead of pubic when trying to explain.......

I got a third of the way through this thread before realising that it wasn't just one poster commenting on a whole lot of stupid things they've done. That's pretty stupid.

I was trying to cook bacon in my house while my mother was at work. She came home early. I wasn't supposed to be cooking on the stove, so I tried to hide the two slices of bacon I had. So where do I put it? Down the kitchen sink maybe? The trash can? No, I put it down the 1 inch diameter drain in my bathroom sink. My mother wondered for YEARS why that sink always backed up and smelled funny.

Getting three quarters of the way down this list before realising it's not all written by one person.

The first time I went on a ski lift, I panicked and turned around as the thing came screaming towards me. It scooped me up knees first and I road all the way to the top of the mountain like that. When I got to the top, the attendant mercifully stopped the lift and helped me off. I was 22, from Louisiana and had never seen snow.

posting a picture of someone without asking them first.

i still try to make a living on the web.

I only found out a month ago that a pony wasn't a young horse. Someone was talking about an especially attractive pony, and I said: "They're so cute - it's a shame they have to grow up."

I tried to teach myself firewalking. The operative word is 'tried'.

When I was a kid I pretended to be drowning while playing in the ocean. Then I glanced toward shore, and a lifeguard was rushing toward me. Needless to say, I felt pretty stupid when everyone noticed I was pretending. I never tried that again.

When I was a kid, growing up in the Rocky Mountains, my dad would often take my brother and I for drives to see the scenery. Along many of the highways that are cut into the mountains, there are signs saying "Falling Rock." Well, my dad told us that Falling Rock was a famous native american, who traveled all through these parts, and we should keep an eye out for him. If we were very, very quiet, we might see him. In retrospect, it was obviously a clever ploy to shut us up, but for a long time, I really believed that we would eventually see old Falling Rock. Needless to say, we still watch out for all sorts of characters along the highway -- crazy old lady "Curves Ahead," the wily hunter "Elk Crossing" and his son "Livestock on Road," and the cantankerous mountain man, "Steep Grade" and his injured wife "No Shoulder."

Oh, and I was nearly 13 years old before I discovered that Jackalopes (jack rabbits with antelope horns -- a big joke perpetuated by taxidermists in Wyoming) were not real animals. Of course, this was *after* I had told everyone how badly I wanted one as a pet. Some mischevious (and stupid) part of me still wants to believe that they're really just extinct.

when I was 4 I excitedly scooped up some "snow" in the K-Mart parking lot to make a snowball to throw at my mom. It was July. The "snow" was a pile of broken glass from a car window. ouch.

At the end of the block where I lived as a child, there was a parking lot for semi-trailers (the rear end of articulated lorries for our non-American friends). I used to ride my bicycle under them at full speed, ducking my head as I approached each....until the time I lifted my head a fraction of a second too early and scalped myself. I ripped a 1/2 by 4 inch chunk off the top of my head. Fortunately I didn't go through life with a reverse-mohawk but the top of my head has permanent nerve damage, you can pull my hair and I don't feel it.

When I was five, my family moved from a thoroughly english-speaking area to a thoroughly french-speaking area, and until I was ten I believed that French wasn't real. I thought that my neighbours were making strange sounds at me for a joke. Because, of course, *everyone* thinks in english, right?

I ran into a pole at full speed while swordfighting using poster tubes as weapons with my ex-housemate. Four other people I knew were watching.

Stapled my thumb to a kitchen unit (I was old enough to know better) and sat there behind the breakfast bar (sheepishly) until Mum came looking for me :)

The other day I banged the kitchen window to scare some pigeons off the back lawn, and the glass broke.

I needed to fart while in music class and shit in my briches while this girl was trying to get close to me.

I smoke cigettes.

When I was a baby my mom was changin my diaper i pissed in her face and broke her nose with my foot not once but twice and put it back in place

I went to go purchase the Dido CD and tey sad the sex toy shop was around the corner

I was playing ice skating with my big brother, sliding around our wooden floor in socks during the 1980 olympics. Attempting to duplicate a move we'd seen on TV earlier, he took my hands, face to face, and told me to slide between his legs. I did, face first, and broke my nose.

i was sitting at work today on my lunchbreak, talking away to a girl who is of considerably smaller build than me. she was saying how she was working out, cause her boyfriend was a big strongman type. i suggested she should stop when she can beat him at armwrestling. she states "I armwrestle." i consider myself to have reasonable upper body strength, so i say "OK", and place my elbow on the table, ready for a match of muscle. after a 2 minute long battle, she puts me out of my misery, and slams my fist onto the table. i'll never be able to hold my head high at work again. within 5 minutes everyone is lining up to beat me.. and i am foolish to take on another girl.. and lose again... how stupid can i get???

i actually pissed on an electric fence.. can you spell P-A-I-N?

Driving through France I wondered where Sortie was, since there were so many signs pointing to it.

oh yeah, there's more. i was 5 and found a razor blade in the gutter, and I wanted to see if it was sharp, so I ran it down my thumb... never told anyone, but I can show you the scar. didn't die of tetanus. oh, and I cleaned the freezer section of an old refridge (the ice) with a pair of scissors. nice. they had to evacuate the building and brought the ladder truck due to the noxious fumes spewing from the damned thing.

I didn't realize *every* town has a Frontage road. I just thought my little town did. Then about a year ago I was driving cross-country and I saw that some town in Arizona had a Frontage road. Then a few in Texas. Again in Oklahoma. Then.. well every damn town had one.

I always thought there were two different places: La Hoya, and La Jolla (sounds like Jolly with an a). No one ever wrote about La Hoya, and no one ever talked about La Jolla.

As my dad wheeled me around the grocery store in my stroller, for the first time I encountered a person of color. Another baby. I sat up in the stroller and exclaimed: "DAD!!! DAD!!! Look at the green baby, look at the green baby!!!" Of course, my dad did spun right around and went looking for my mom. He says he couldn't help but laugh as he scolded me. Luckily I was too young to be embarassed.

As a child, I wanted to see what it was like to be blind, so I closed my eyes and walked straight forward, sans outstretched hands, facefirst into a wall.

Tonight I lost a twenty dollar game of billards to a midget. A midget that I had taunted for a good two hours prior to our match.

For years when I was little I thought Australia was the only country in the world, there was no where else...... is that true?

When I was 4 I had a pair of pajamas that my grandmother sewed a cape onto. I used to run around the house pretending I was superman and that I could fly. I was doing this once and decided to jump on my parent's bed because I could get much higher than if I was just jumping on the ground and off of furniture (which was my usual M.O.). I was apparently too close to the edge of the bed, I bounced funny, hit my parent's dresser with my face and knocked a tooth back (but not out). I didn't get the tooth fixed until I got braces 10 years later.

I downloaded several Bryan Adams mp3s recently and burned 'em all to cd. This is not common knowledge, nor will it be, thankyouverymuch.

As I drive my car, I often inventory the things on my person to make sure that I have everything necessary for modern living: wallet, pen, lip balm, keys.... OH CRAP! MY KEYS!

When I was a tiny tot I used to think that the guerrilla fights that the news anchors were talking about were actually live gorillas fighting people! Youth is sooo funny that way.

I mentioned Bryan "Cuts Like A Knife" Adams today.

How stupid do I feel? I think my wife posted just a second a go. We just celebrated our tenth wedding anniversary.

TODAY I decided to go along with my boss and two of my co-workers to a diner in town that will put your name up on the wall if you can eat eight of ther "Bitty - Burgers" in on hour. Three of us decided to go for it while our boss looked on in great mirth. All of us managed to gag down the lot. Great fun? Well, as I write this, from where I'm sitting right now, I'm paying the price!!!

I was setting up a computer at a job several years ago, and the power cords wouldn't fit thru the hole in the desk. so my co-worker and I drilled the hole a little larger...while the cord was still in the computer, and the computer was on.

oh, and I almost cut off the tip of my little finger & chipped my front tooth - not at the same time - when I was 2 yrs. old.

Is it so wrong to have mistaken my first love for "the love of my life" and been unsatisfied with every subsequent relationship? Sixteen years later, and a decade into a relatively happy marriage to someone else, I find myself dwelling on the stupid torment (and relationship sabotage) which I put myself through all those years.

All this is made worse by the fact that the *truly* stupid thing is that I'm still in love with the first and (gulp) the first is still in love with me.

Which, in light of the paths we have taken, and the separate lives we have built, is glaringly, achingly, stupid!

I thought for the longest time that epitome was pronounced epi-tome... not e pit omy. Whoops.

I'm still convinced that there are sharks in the deep end of the pool.

I thought Captain Kangaroo and Walter Cronkite were the same person.

i thought my penis was a popsicle

When my parents told me the Callahan Tunnel [in Boston] went under the Harbor to take us to the airport... I believed until I was atleast 12 that we were driving *through* water inside the tunnel. I was afraid to roll down my window. I quietly worried about this and never asked how it was possible until one day it just donned on me how it actually worked...

1.)in my teens i went to school but could not figure out what the laughter was about. got home, went to the bathroom and realised my zipper had been down all day

2.)when i was a child, i had this bmx bike and i was racing towards a speed bump to catch air. once i caught air, the handle bars came off with only the brake cables attached.

I've fallen in pig manure. Twice.

when i was a kid, i thought commercials on the television were performed live each and every time they were shown.

i thought women only had one hole till i was twelve.

Hoo boy. This is a dandy and not even the first Skittle post. Freshman year in high school after gym class I was enjoying a mouthful of Skittles, when the older guys came into the locker room. One of them grabbed my knee. Why? I'll never know. Of course, I take a deep breath in. Choking. Sputtering. Can't breathe. The coach come running in, 911 was called, heimlich ensued. When all was said and done I was alive, teary eyed and had 'a rainbow of fruit flavors' all over my gym shirt. Wow. Wish I could erase that mental image.

When in elementary school I was standing on a side walk oblivious to the world around me (still a common event at 34) when I got hit by a snow plow. Only my wits were hurt.

"There were too many of us. We had access to too much money, too much equipment, and little by little we went insane."

Told people I had been to Holland, but wasn't sure where the Netherlands were.

put rice in bowl.
put bowl in microwave.
heat.
remove.
stir with fork.
hands full, put fork in mouth to hold (tines in).
put bowl #2 on top of bowl #1 to shake.
proceed to shake rice in bowls.
push tines of fork through roof of mouth.
bleed profusely.

Age 2: Ate five dollars in quarters. Result: Parental units to this day claim that's my monetary worth, were they to sell me to gypsies (common threat). Age 3: pried child-proof outlet cover off, proceeded to insert Dad's keys. Result: small me was shot across room, with head injury to follow. Age 20: got engaged. Result: Nothing bad, it was only for about a minute and a half. or three months, whatever. Age 21: Birthday. Drank drank drank until clothes came off in front of strangers on sidewalk after singing happy birthday to me with a cab driver. Boyfriend displeased. Also: Once confused Stevie Ray Vaughn with Stevie Nicks, ate large-curd cottage cheese, and thought I was european royalty. Ah, youth.

i pulled a dresser over onto myself while trying to make a fort out of star wars bedsheets. this was two days ago. i'm twenty years old.

Looking for my favourite pen for half an hour, and then eventually finding it. IN MY HAND.

A former co-worker actually believed that Chaka was related to Genghis. Sorry R! :)

I once went to a pet store to buy a snake. I went to that particular pet store, way out of my way, and out of my price range, too, because it specialized in invertebrates. I was outraged when I found out they didn't have snakes. But - but -oh....snakes do have spines, don't they....heh heh....

I was looking at magazines while in the checkout line at the grocery store, with my girlfriend who is of Mexican heritage. One of the magazines said, "Why men love Gorditas." I read it out load and commented, "How do they know? I happen to like the double-decker tacos." "No," she said, "a gordita is a plump woman." That story comes out at every family gathering...her relatives LOVE it!

i cut a good part of a finger off with a table saw. i saved it and went to the hospital. they threw it away. it was an awful sound, hearing my fingertip bouncing from side to side off the walls of the wastebasket. after that, whenever i laid eyes on that table saw. i wanted to spit on it.

Once in Junior High when a boy I had a really bad crush on actually asked me out to see a movie, I answered his question "Well, what movie don't you want to see?" With "Hm. Well, I know I don't want to see (insert crappy movie title here)." When really what he was getting at was that we'd be making out so much that I wouldn't even see the movie. So cool with the boys I tell ya.

i was in culinary school and we were cleaning up the kitchen classroom. i wiping down the big tins of spices. one of them had stuff all over the top around the shaker lid, so i blew on it to clean it off. it was cayenne and it went right in my face.

Once a man in the subway came up to me and asked me "Will you please guess my race?"

The stupid part: I didn't beg off or dissemble. I tried. And of course, I was quite thoroughly wrong. He wasn't happy.

Stupid moments -- going to fix something on the boss's laptop/paperweight and not realizing that the little green light does NOT mean that the computer is on and then going to the tech and having him make remarks all day about pressing power buttons....

I was once introducing myself to somebody and completely forgot my own name. Total blank, clueless. I wasn't even meeting a cute girl or anything.

I went to a Pat McCurdy show at the Lounge Ax and brought bags of Skittles so that everyone could enjoy some beer and skittles during the performance. Pat asked me to toss a bag up to him on stage, so I did. Somehow, I lobbed it just perfectly-- it arced gracefully across the room, up past the stage lights, over the amp, and smacked directly into into the microphone, which in turn slammed Pat square in the mouth. The show did go on, but it took Pat a few minutes to make sure all his teeth were intact.

Here I am in my thirties - old & wise you'd think - but I still get crushes on boys and do the dumbest things. I spent *hours* writing silly little notes for him to keep him amused on a long plane trip. He got back & I peeked in the envelope to see how many he'd gotten through (and if he'd found the one reading "You make my heart go bump") and it looked like he hadn't opened a single one. So what's stupider? That I did such a ridiculous thing when he's never written me anything but email or that I felt like crud when he wasn't wildly excited about my goofy present?

I stuck my tounge to the frost inside the freezer to see if it would stick. It did and I had my head in the damn freezer for an hour before I built up enough courage to rip the tip of my tounge off. It hurt, a LOT, and I got a cold. Stupid, stupid stupid.

I was about 15 and staying with my grandma for the summer. She lived in the woods at the end of a dirt road. For fun, I was working on clearing an old logging road my grandfather had once used. I used a double-bitted axe because no one would let me have a chainsaw. One day I asked if I could use a thermos to bring some hot chocolate with me. She said I could as long as I didn't fall a tree on it. I laughed at the ridiculousness of the idea and said I wouldn't. I did.

Oh, I could go on for days... I once overdosed on crab legs at a seafood buffet and wanted to clean up. Without thinking, I just stuck my hands into a glass of water on the table and wiped them off. Didn't even worry about who it belonged to. Heather, you're a Champ!

I put a "Hungry Hungry Hippo" marble up my nose and panicked when I couldn't get it out. My little sister reached up, plugged my other nostril with her finger and told me to blow. Out fell the marble.

Stuck my finger into an window unit air conditioner vent to see if the fan was still running. It was and took the tip of my finger off! Fortunately it grew back -- I guess I'm part lizard.

Saying armageddon as "arm-meg-a-don" like it was a big dinosaur. Yes, I'm an avid reader, and can't pronounce the odd word properly. Like plaid.

I was reaching up to get an ashtray on a shelf I could barely reach, just got the edge of it with my fingers, and tipped the (full) ashtray on my head. Stupid. I also once put both contact lenses into one eye.

one in tenth grade gym class we were outdoors doing track and field. Thinking i would do something really cool, i picked up very long steel post (i think it was part of the soccer net) and braced it behind my head/across my shoulders. I began spinning around really fast and tried to throw the post upwards thinking that it would spin around like a helicoptor rotor. Instead it went up about a foot, spun right around and knocked me out. when i came to, everyone was standing above me laughing. I went to the hopital and had my head examined.

Plugged in an iron, went to another room to get the shirt I needed pressed, then tested the iron with the palm of my hand to see if it was hot. It was.

I was once convinced the turn signals on my car didn't work because I was out of "blinker fluid."

One day in fourth grade I was laughing at a boy's stupid joke because I had a crush on him. I had a cast on my wrist and in my amusement, knocked over my lunch - vanilla yogurt. It got all over me and on my cast. Since you can't get a cast wet to wash it, I ended up having a foul sour-milk smelling cast attached to me for the next 3 weeks. Gross.

When I was 5, i loved counting my money. All i had was pennies and I would count them over and over. One night, it was past my bed time and I was counting the pennies in my room, pretending to be asleep. I hear my mom coming to check on me, and I grab a handful of pennies and hide them in my mouth. Alas she thought i was sleeping, and when she left, i spit them all out, minus the one that I swallowed. As fear for my life grew, I ran outside to my mom and said, "mommy, mommy, my stomach hurts!". She replies, "what is the matter?". And I coyly reply, "i dont' know! but I *didn't* swallow a penny."

Reading the media guide biographies of my college basketball team, I found it quite amusing that one of the players was majoring in interior design, and said so. Loudly. And derisively. In front of a friend and co-worker who also happened to be majoring in interior design. (Which, incidentally, is a completely legitimate major which I in no way meant to denigrate.)

Twelve years old, playing a game that required making up dictionary definitions, I described an imaginary disease that affected "the middle-aged generation (age 20 to 30)." I had no idea why a roomfull of adults found this hilarious.

I pulled a TV down on my head when I was seven.

i sawed the corner off of a refigerator with a circular saw once.

As an altar boy, I "washed" the priest's hands with wine instead of water. Twice.

I was the dorky 8-year-old girl among my dad's cronies one day. They were all talking about "the big two-year-old" race. I thought they were talking about human toddlers, and said how mean I thought that was, to race children.

Voicing a note of concern that the advertising board in the office hasn't been updated in a while. Even after I explained that "I am just the idea guy, not the facilitator!", I still got the job. Stoopid.

I used to say 'jig', instead of 'gig'. "You want to go to a jig on friday?" I'd ask. Fortuanately my friends found it funny.

When I was in the fifth grade, I stuffed a piece of paper up my nose, thus causing it to get stuck and to also cause a rather harsh nosebleed.

How about being on campus at Cornell for several weeks of my first semester before I realized that I was attending an Ivy League school?

we just bought a bird, and it wanted to climb to the top of my head. i let it, and a mountain of bird poop tumbled out, onto the top of my head. stooopid.

I tried to cover up something stupid by not telling her. That was even *more* stupid.

when i was smaller, i put a small bean up my nose and it accidently got stuck, which at this point i started to panic in the backseat of the car. "Calm Down!!" my dad yells, which made me nervous, which made my nose itch, which made me sneeze the bean out, small lovely bean rocketing into cheap hard plastic interior finish...*ping*
"What Was That!!!????" yells dad....

*stupid*

a date took me out for several drinks, and we met some of his friends. they asked what i had been doing that day and i said that i was having some stupid plumbing problems. one of his friends said "well we lay pipe..." i said "oh - you're plumbers?" they still laugh 3 years later.

i broke office protocol today....

*stupid*

i have breakfast sausages with maple syrup...

i put the left shoe on my right foot....

i forgot how old i was today...

I fell into the water at Disneyland at the Storybook Ride.

hrm...i thought for years that 'heinous was pronouned 'hee-knee-ous'. completely the fault of my father, who pronounced it that way, but no less embarrassing as i have a degree in English. ;]

Held my bangs over a burning candle "to see what would happen."

To have let this giant mess pile up around me in my apartment! I was supposed to be the epitome of cleanliness here! Stupid!

"PJ Harvey? Oh, I love him." Also: "Irigaray? Oh I love him." Some feminist I turn out to be.

Washed a virgin wool sweater and tossed it into a dryer. It came out substantially smaller. (See Chieka size.)

It was a simple slip of the tongue. Even at age 16, I was not such a rube that I genuinely believed Laurence Olivier's last name rhymes with "excelsior."

On the first date with the woman who is now my wife I stupidly told her I didn't like sports, or smoke pot. Now I hear about it everytime I get high and watch football with the boys.

That I keep falling in love

I once tried to rescue a bowling ball from half way down the bowling lane. As soon as I stood on the waxed surface, I slipped over, and everyone at the 40-lane venue looked and laughed. I've never felt so stupid.

after spilling water on my really old stretch tee, i used a blow dryer to dry up the water mark and ended up burning a hole in the shirt

Oh yes... stupid... Each time a new James Bond movie is going out, I'm running to the cinema to watch the movie, and each time I say to myself Oh damned, the movie is stupid and it's the last time, I'm watching this kind of stupidity. Each time, I'm recurrently stupid, and stupidly come back to the cinema...

Karl's Stupidity day by day

i couldn't get a can of bug spray to work, so i turned the can around so the nozzle was facing me. i examined it a moment, and then tried it again. with the nozzle still pointing at my face. needless to say, it worked, and i got an eyeful of bug spray.

I just spilled my lunch on my lap reading this. Ugh!

I thought sean puffy combs was a cereal :(

I was eight, my brother was five. We were watching �The Picture of Dorian Gray� on TV. At the movie�s climax, a blast of appropriately scary music punctuated a shock cut of Dorian Gray�s hideous monster face. My brother and I screamed, turned, and started running for the door. His right foot and my left came down in a trash can and got stuck there. Still screaming, we ran out into the hall like a three legged race ��two legs and a trash can.

Not such a stupid thing, Heather. I thought the same thing for a long time, too! My stupid thing; thinking (at the age of 18) that a good way to free myself from a crepe paper garland would be to burn a hole through it with a lighter....

Got my butt stuck in a wastebasket once. After sitting in it.

Yesterday? Piggies.

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