harrumph! january 01-15 2000

current archive July 01 - 31 June 01 - 30 May 01 - 31 Apr 01 - 30 Mar 23 - 31 Mar 16 - 22 Mar 01 - 10 Feb 16 - 29 Feb 01 - 15 Jan 16 - 31 Jan 01 - 15	SAT JAN 15 00 Tired of your job? Career path not quite what you thought it would be? Well, have you considered intelligence work? British Intelligence has incorporated a "challenge" into their web site. Find the pieces, solve the puzzle and you too can be a spy. Maybe we can share resources and all get some cool, new techno gear.
	FRI JAN 14 00 Toward the end of "Those Magnificent Men in Their Flying Machines, or How I Flew from London to Paris in 25 hours 11 minutes" the villain, Sir Percy Ware-Armitage (Terry Thomas), runs into a spot of trouble when his airplane descends and the "landing gear" jams between the cars of a steam locomotive tootling through the French countryside. Sir Percy, with teeth gnashing, hops out of the plane and runs along the top of the train towards the engine to alert the engineer - you just know that there is a tunnel in his immediate future. I suddenly realized that the landscape over his left shoulder was dominated by what appears to be the large cooling towers of a nuclear power plant. I'm not up on my nuclear power plant history so I don't know if 1965 is too early for nuclear power or if it's some earlier form of power generation. Whatever the case, it's a rather odd site for the "Great Race of 1910". A very Peter Seller's "The Party" moment. Eric became rather entranced with Lego last year. My jaw dropped when I saw R2D2. No further news from Clem. I wonder if his feet hurt?	The temperature outside is -20 C or -43 C with windchill today. Merde!
	THU JAN 13 00 I purchased a copy of the much anticipated Cluetrain Manifesto today. I feel rather poopy as I broke my resolve never to purchase from Amazon again. It's not yet available in Canada and as I'll be in the Bay area next week, I could have it delivered to a friend. Lame to be sure but at the very least, I'll have a good read for the flight home. William Holden has just expired in "The Bridges at Toko-Ri" - I've been bingeing on War flicks lately. Thrilled to report that I finally saw the last half of "The Night of the Generals". Peter O'Toole driven insane at the Jeux de Paume by a self portrait of Van Gogh. I think that it would take a Renoir to push me over the edge. All those mushy women!
	WED JAN 12 00 I'll confess that I have my fruitcake moments. If I were to identify an event last year that most epitomizes my nuttiness, I would have to say that a certain customer service query that I made to the Gillette site would be a good example. It's been my understanding that a certain "personal care product", namely deodorant, should be applied in the appropriate manner to ensure optimal performance. Apply deodorant and then get dressed. Simple? I thought so. I've been ignorant of a whole other set of possibilities. Clothing then deodorant! Users of this method have either the option of application via the main body of the shirt or the more sneaky and skill intensive deodorant-slipped-inside-the-sleeve scenario (definitely works best with short sleeves and perhaps a favourite of inhabitants of warmer climes). Granted there will be a certain percentage of the deodorant sporting population who will utilize the "clothing then deodorant" method when they inadvertently skip deodorant altogether and catch their omission once dressed. It's only an issue because it's an ongoing "discussion" around these parts. I decided to seek advice from a higher authority. So I sent an email to the folks at Gillette asking for their expert opinion in an attempt to settle our ongoing debate... And if I was right, would they mind sending email to a certain someone in an attempt to end his errant ways. Well that was months ago. Did they respond? Nope. Am I surprised? Nope. I'm sure that whomever read my request hit the big 'ol delete key (whoop, whoop, fruitcake, fruitcake). But, I would love an answer. Clem, currently vacationing in Hawaii, sends me the following email... "woowoo just wlked on lava. more later."	sore+arse heather+kozar Jezebel+sermon No-eyes
	TUE JAN 11 00 If you haven't visited The Obscure Store and Reading Room you should consider doing so. It's a remarkable harvesting of the more interesting news stories across the Internet that might not even make CNN's FRiNgE MaiL cut. A charming reminder that people can be downright funky and weird... Kind of like the "ear in the grass Blue Velvet" scenario - on the surface it's Pleasantville but lurking just beneath the topsoil is the true fabric of humanity... funky and weird. I particularly enjoyed the story of the British Granny who called emergency services to report that her favourite wrestling star was in dire need of assistance during a televised event. Someone has a few issues with reality...	beauty+and+poetry hussy eyes+patterns sore+eyes heather+longenkamp eyes+4+you eyes+start For+Sore+eyes+only
ba da da dum dum	MON JAN 10 00 It's about time for the Close Encounters of the Third Kind sequel. Twenty-two years later, roughly one generation, Roy Neary (Richard Dreyfuss) returns to earth after whooping it up with the aliens not seeming to have aged a day. Richard tries to reconcile with his wife, Ronnie (Teri Garr), now an embittered older woman with three dysfunctional adult children. The older son has followed his father's footsteps in an attempt to gain favour from the mother, toiling at the Power Company. The middle child, last seen dismembering his sister's doll against a play pen wall, serving time for a horrendous crime. The youngest child, the daughter, surviving a series of unfulfilling relationships with older men as she searches for a replacement father figure, mentally disfigured by his abandonment... Too cynical? Don't get the wrong idea. There is nothing more pleasurable that vegging out on a Sunday afternoon watching our first contact with aliens. I'm hooked every time when the lights begin to rise behind Neary's car as he seemingly flags a waiting vehicle past. What with the sexy, globetrotting scientists, led by Frenchman Claude Lacombe (François Truffaut), finding every manner of mechanical relic discarded in the world's most arid environments and the frisson of tension as they negotiate their distrust of the American war machine - what more could a girl ask for? But think about it. Would you be so quick to jump into one of those shiny, red jump suits like Neary did? I watch the X-files. I know what happens. I'd want to talk to some returning abductees to find out whether or not our friendly aliens had left the rectal probe at home.	heather+lockyear shameless+hussy heather+grham sore+eyes love+sore fling+down+jezebel
	SUN JAN 09 00 If the following spam inspires confidence, please don't hesitate to email me as I wouldn't want to be the one holding you back from fulfilling your full Bisiness potential: Explode Your Bisiness ... Right Now ! This Is The Break You Have Been Waiting For You Don't Want To Trash This One WARNING: THIS IS REAL !! Pass This Up Lightly And You'll Be Making One Of The Most Grave Mistakes Of Your Life On another note... recent search terms indicate a wave of pain crossing the globe.	sore+arse sore+eyes sore+back virtual+girl
	SAT JAN 08 00 Did you get a flu shot? I've been traumatized by the evening news all this week as new, virulent strains race across the country eastward. Hospitals emergency services are overwhelmed as people are felled left and right by illness. Granted I've managed to pass through my annual encounter with holiday sickness which typically develops somewhere between Thanksgiving and Christmas settling into a full blown bronchial nightmare between Christmas and New Years. There's nothing like holiday shopping in a haze of Nyquil splendour. Perhaps that's why there were fewer eyebrows raised in my choice of holiday gifts this year - with the exception of the toe socks that I bought for Claire! But I'm not convinced that this means I'm in the clear. I could be just ripe for the picking. I could do my best Michael Jackson impersonation and wear a mask but that doesn't seem to be socially acceptable anywhere other than Japan. So, is it too late for a flu shot? I'll have to find out.	jezebel+lingerie
	FRI JAN 07 00 The weather is really trying hard to be pleasant today. There's a very "Currier & Ives" scene out side my window as large, white fat snowflakes lazily drift past. A far cry from the biting, sub zero temperatures of the past few days. It doesn't matter though... It doesn't matter how hard nature tries because everything else is ugly. Ugly grey buildings, dirty snow and salt scarred roads mar the landscape. And people? They're ugly too. It's safe to say that capitalism doesn't make you beautiful - winter clothes are a great leveler. We all look like the Michelin man. From Montréal to Moscow people are struggling outdoors, in waddling steps, hampered by layers and layers of clothing in an attempt to keep warm. Noses run, eyes water, skin blooms with floral patterns of chapped, wind burnt skin. I think I'll just have to hibernate 'til spring.
We can rebuild him!	THU JAN 06 00 Man o man... Satellite television is resuscitating movies and television series which should remain buried. Take The Norsemen. Made in 1978 starring Lee Majors. The plot? "An 11th-century Viking prince sails to America to find his father, who on a previous voyage had been captured by Indians". I did enjoy the 13th Warrior last year and anticipated some entertainment from perhaps a similar venture. Bottom line? Bow wow. Why didn't I change the channel? I must say that I was rooting for the wrong team. I kept hoping that the "Indians" would realize how lame the script was, rise up and put poor Lee and his band of merry men out of their misery. After suffering through three quarters I did bail fearing my sanity... I'll never know if the Lee found his dad and liberated him. Then again, with the multiple play repeats, I just have to wait a few days and it will play again.	biblical+woman+castrates jezebel+night+club juicygirls+and+jezebel
Customer service does matter	TUE JAN 04 00 Alas, this is a sad tale... You don't realize how important good customer service until something goes wrong. I consider myself to be a fairly intrepid online consumer. How can you develop e-commerce solutions if you don't embrace the concept? But I've reached an impasse in my attempt to purchase online through Indigo Books. Having moved back to Canada, I found it necessary to find a solution that had more reasonably priced shipping costs that Amazon. I chose Indigo. I first ran in to trouble early last year when I found that the input fields were far too short for my shipping address. I emailed customer service and received a frosty thank you though no action was taken to resolve the problem. Picture Family Feud - the first big red X appears! Well, months later my address had changed - somewhat shorter and would fit into their stingy fields... Weeeeee! Time to go Christmas shopping and take advantage of great online savings 40% online vs. 10% in the bricks and mortar! Well, guess what? It's time for the second big red X. The shopping cart doesn't work. When trying to add a book to my basket I'm told that I need to add at least one item to view the basket (well, that's just what I'm trying to do). So I try their "one-click" version (not the patented Amazon thang) trying to circumvent the basket issue. Nope, t'ain't going to happen. So I send a friendly email commenting on the bug with the basket. I receive a response a day later with a brief message telling me that I need to enable my cookies. I immediately responded that I currently enjoy many features offered by other sites facilitated through cookies and I'd yet to encounter the level of difficulty as I had with Indigo. Two days pass� the clock is ticking as my shopping days 'til Christmas wind down. I call customer service and am given the name and email address of the head of Technology. I compose yet another polite email and away it goes. Time passes and no response. Days later I send the whole shooting match to the sales department. Again, no response. I'm out of time and out of luck. I have to spend my holiday shopping dollars elsewhere. The final irony� As a bricks and mortar customer I receive the following email "Indigo has six ways to simplify the season". For me that would be 6 Advil taken at regular intervals. Final big red X. If you are looking to buy books online in Canada, consider Chapters!
*diamonds are a girl's best friend...*	MON JAN 03 00 Do you miss those charming De Beers commercial hawking Millennium diamonds? They must have generated a whole new genre of Y2K bug. Disappointed women... Women who were expecting that their men would clue in during the relentless playing and replaying during half time, news breaks etc. 4... 3... 2... 1... "Happy New Year..." [kiss kiss] An elegant arching of her swanlike neck awaiting the presentation of the flawless gem to confirm the value of his love. 1... 2... 3... nothing? Disappointment wells. Another Y2K fizzle. I hope that I don't sound bitter. I took a page out of Afsun's book and bought my own small, elegant half eternity band. Nothing extravagant that would have endangered the RRSP but enough shine to satisfy the crow within. And to continue the search engine parameter thread... How flattering is "cankor sore" (sic)? Picked up Jezebel because of "a site for sore eyes". What's next? Saddle sore? I await with anticipation.	cankor+sore
Strange date... 00.01.02	SUN JAN 02 00 Have you every considered the oddities of search engine parameters? I notice the following last night - "WOMEN WRESTLERS JEZEBEL". My secret life has been revealed. On certain days of the week underpants are worn on the outside. I also remember seeing "www.jezebel.com" as a search parameter which I found rather odd at the time. What can they have been thinking? Or more rightly, what were they not thinking about. First the toy wars and now Amazon. Between inappropriate behaviour from their chief legal counsel and now the patent fiasco I'm left shaking my head. I'll confess that Jezebel turned out to be rather non y2k compliant. A shareware JavaScript generated a date of 192000. Memepool has a fine collection of high fallutin' sites which suffered the same or similar indignities.	women+wrestlers+jezebel
All is well with the world	SAT JAN 01 00 I awoke with the most amazing bed head today. I hope that this isn't a portent for the next year. Definite which-way, guinea pig hair - quite unusual and unexpected especially considering the short length. How could such little hair get into so much trouble? I've done my time with bad hairdos and I feel that I am quite ready for a year of exceptional hair. Otherwise, I'm trying to figure out what to do with the 50 litres of water that were purchased during minor spasm of y2k anxiety last week. Their expiration date should ensure their possibility of standing by for any possible upcoming crisis. It's a relief that the we don't face the same dilemma with cases and cases of tinned food. Eating beans for the next six weeks doesn't hold any allure. Remove the wretched decorations and ban the holiday Muzak. Life returns to normal, just in time for the January blahs...

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