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Penis Envy "I want you to decorate some dildoes." "What?" If Chris hadn't captured my attention, she certainly had it now. "I'm working on this exhibition for the Franklin Furnace. I'm going to call it 'The Lesbian Museum: Ten Thousand Years of Penis Envy.' Annie Sprinkle is going to be in it. It's going to be really great. I've bought 100 dildoes and I want you to decorate some." So I take the train into the city and meet her at Zen Palate, the one up near the Paramount. It's busy so we end up sitting at the counter. Chris is as bubbly as ever. "Where are they?" She tilts her head and I look under her chair to see a white plastic carrier bag. It doesn't look out of the ordinary. I pick it up and take a peek. And almost faint. They weren't the elegant, suave kind of dildo that I had expected, but rather, large and reasonably anatomically correct, complete with testicles. There were four of them. We had lunch and talked about this and that. I was to also do some graphic work for the show, letterhead, posters, invites. But I just kept thinking about those dildoes (no, not like that). Lunch finishes, we kiss goodbye and I head back down to Penn Station with the carrier bag. I very quickly realize that the back is thin and cheap. The heads push outwards creating little round, nodding impressions near the top. I'm walking down Seventh and I'm carrying a thin, white plastic carrier bag with four dildoes. The train ride was uneventful - 50 minutes later, I'm home, back in Princeton. I take "them" (who I later called "the boys") out of the bag and discover that they have the peculiar talent of being able to stand on their own, rather drunkenly, but standing nonetheless thanks to the testicles. So I put them in a corner and let them sit while I try to figure out what I'm going to do with them. In the end, I come up with a plan but one that calls for castration. They don't look very nice when they lay down so I decide to take a kitchen knife and perform a little surgery. I'm sitting on the living room floor, watching TV. The front door is open. There's a quick knock and our neighbour, Eric walks in. "Can we borrow..." He looks from my face down to my hands and forgets what he's saying. I look down to see what he sees. A large kitchen knife and a large, ugly dildo. He blushes and then all colour falls from his face. He quickly turns and heads out the door. "I'll send Diana over"... The saga continues. February 92
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